Circean

6:41 PM. Saturday, January 10, 2009

I allowed my mind to spin on my way home today, it's been a long time since I've been contemplating, about what's going on and everything. It was tedious. Felt like a spring cleaning all over again. Finally realised that, people's expectations are invisible yet impactful. I am nothing, literally nothing what people expect me to be. I am everything they wouldn't imagine. Yet on the outside, it's always so.. beautifully covered. And why would I do that for? Cause I do not want to hurt those that expect so high of me. I've never thought this would ever cross my mind, the reason why I am not as close to my dad as to my mom, because she has never expected me to be perfect.

I always wondered, if people know of my dirty past, would they still love me and treat me the same? Don't even try to imagine it. Some would just say, "oh that's nothing, it's common". It's not, freaking not, for me. I get disgusted by myself sometimes. Every morning, seeing my own reflection in the mirror, who ever knows what's beneath. hah what irony.

Faith, what a word, too big for me. "My faith is growing stronger in God." Someone said that to me today, I stopped there and stared into space for a moment, brought me back to where I was 3-4years ago, I said that to someone before too. It aches my heart to use the word before constantly.

I have to start reconciling with my old friends who are trying so hard to get me out with them. I am so sorry.

For once in my life (or maybe not just once), I feel that I have no one to talk to, no one I can actually spill everything out, and not judge me after that. Someone who is willing to hear the heavy burden pressing against my heart. I am falling off the edge. And I'll have to start picking up the pieces, alone, again.

It's scary how I don't recognise myself anymore.

If most people are beautiful, does that mean ugly people are adnormal. Why do people judge the minority? God did not make the majority in a way, and the minority was just accident. I know I can be mean to people sometimes, but I would be sure I won't hurt their feelings and they would know I was kidding. I simply can't stand people, who seriously think that they are high above everyone. Even if they are rich, good-looking, etc, being part of the majority, doesn't make the minority adnormal. Be sensitive to others. You don't have to walk around the streets and start criticising everyone, cause not everyone has to be the same as you. thankyou.

have to get a new diary.

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

0 Comments: